Author Archives: dickmcarthur

Match Report (Game 4)

Sunday 6 July 2014.
Another cold morning, another game of 3 sided football.
Atletico Geometry were without a win – could it finally be their morning?  The All Sartres with just one win were several members short, so their prospects didn’t seem great. Pythagoras, at the head of the table with 2 wins, the odds with them and almost their full team available, seemed the team most likely.
Andrew F had settled into his role as referee so well, that he began enforcing rules that nobody else knew existed.  Also, the goals suddenly appeared smaller than in previous games.  Was this tactical?  Who would it advantage?  Was Andrew F sick of so many goals being scored?  Was he suffering from RSI as he scribbled the scores down?
Boundaries were set (physically, metaphorically and, happily, metaphysically), corners and throw-ins explained and a Go Pro popped on Andrew’s head as a secondary source of rule enforcement.


First third

The first third played out slowly at first, the Pys defending well and both the Geometers and the Sartres managing to score impressive own goals.  The Pys scored the remaining 2 goals, and were not scored against.

Pys: 0
AG: -2
AS: -2
Pythagoras - the smiling assassins

Pythagoras – the smiling assassins

Second Third
The scores evened up in the second third, which included yet another own goal, this time to the Pys, and a much more evenly distributed scoring display, where each team scored against at least one of the others.
Lily went off midway through the term after Dick, her team mate, preposterously and blindly slammed the ball into her face.  The crowd, had there been one, would’ve let him know their disappointment, and his shame can only ever be underestimated.
Minutes later, Dick managed to slam the ball into another team mate’s face, this time Anthony, who had transferred from the Pys to the Sartres for this game, causing him to bite his tongue, his most potent weapon.
Meanwhile, for the Geometers, Lawrence scored his first goal – to much celebration.
Pys: -3
AG: -3
AS: -3
The All Sartres in All Lime.  What would Jean Paul say?

The All Sartres in All Lime. What would Jean Paul say?

Final Third
Early in the final term Anthony, looking for revenge, but misplacing it, managed to sail the ball into Damien’s face, causing a cut above the right eye where his glasses had embedded themselves.  He soldiered on without complaint, and contributed to a solid Pys’ defence.
At the close of the term, the Sartres had lost, but who had won?
Pys: -4
AG: -4
AS: -5
Professional in their uniforms, the Geometers are way ahead of the fashion pack

Professional in their uniforms, the Geometers are way ahead of the fashion pack

Well, this was our first tie. Under the rules, according to Andrew F,  ties are settled by the team
who scored the most goals. Own goals being discounted, this left the Pys with 5 and Atletico Geometry with 3.

The winners of round 4, therefore, were the Pys, despite the elegance of their opponents.  Probably justified actually, given the rough treatment dished out to Trevor of the Pys towards the end of the game by a maroon shirt who shall remain nameless.
Damien – eye
Lily – cheek
Anthony – tongue



Match Report (Game 3)

by Ref Andrew F


The players in randomised formation

First Third

The All Sartres got off to a good start, scoring with impunity against the other two teams with little support, conceding 4 but scoring 6. The Pys and Geometers responded in kind but couldn’t quite overcome the temptation to score against each other when the opportunity presented itself.

Significant defence from the Pys’ Sam, Trevor and Margaret kept their conceded goals to 3 and the leading position at the first break.


All Sartres: -4
Atletico Geometry: -5
Pythagoras 3SFC -3


Margaret kicks out on the lush pastures of St Kilda Primary School

Second third

The young legs of All Sartres’ Felix, combined with great passing from Andrew W, Gavin and Dick, pressed the All Sartres’ attack, scoring another 6 goals against the Geometers and the Pys.

Persistent attempts at collaboration by the Geometers against the All Sartres went unanswered with the Pys paying lip service to an alliance before being tempted to score against their wannabe allies another 3 times.

The All Sartres closed the third as leaders, having not conceded a single goal in the third.


All Sartres: -4
Atletico Geometry: -10
Pythagoas 3SFC: -8


Trevor takes a run through the centre (again)

Final Third

The final third finally saw some significant collaboration between the Geometers and the Pys. Numerous assists from various Geometers to Trevor from the Pys slotted 6 goals against the All Sartres in quick succession.

The Geometers attempted some fancy passing tactics and scored the first own goal with no other team in their third at the time.

The Pys conceded only 1 in the final third with some stellar defence that involved repeated body checking on Sam, and Margaret putting her body on the line to stop an attack and having to go off temporarily.

The Pys’ tight defence in the final third notched up their second win of the season.

Final Scores:

All Sartres: -10
Atletico Geometry: -14
Pythagoras 3SFC: -9


Margaret (nose)

Game 2 Match Report


Barnaby tries to reduce the Geometers’ goal width

Game 1 of Australia’s inaugural 3-sided soccer competition had been played 3 weeks previously, and the players awoke this Sunday morning for Game 2, feeling the trepidation of impending competition.  Calves were being stretched, boots hunted out from under beds and eyes turned upwards to confirm that the recent overnight rain had all but disappeared.

There was no tradition yet, no routine, there had only been one game and it couldn’t be trusted to be representative of the sport.  Some players were injured or away, including Pythagoras’s dominant Trevor, and a handful of new players had been selected.  Game 2 promised to be quite different from Game 1, and the competition’s administrators wouldn’t have it any other way.

After a short delay caused by the presences of a kids’ football clinic, fortunately cleared off by about 10.15, the teams squared off and eyeballed each other’s new look teams.

Pythagoras (the Pys) had lost Trevor (injury) and Anthony (Italy) but gained Sam (female) and Damien (male).  Atletico Geometry (the Geometers) had lost Marcus (whereabouts unknown), Paula (somewhere) but had gained Denbeigh (ominously wearing a real football jersey). The All Sartres (The JPs) had lost Saddy to nursing duties (although not yet present in that capacity), and gained Cate.

The goals are set up in hexagonal formation

The goals are set up in hexagonal formation

This week the JPs were sporting red sashes (provided by danger striker Gavin), the Geometers had red straps hanging from their shorts and the Pys were unadorned.  Two of this week’s targets were the school’s very own soccer goals, while the third target was provided by the Australian Rules posts to the east, a wider target, and one which the JPs were required to defend in the first third.

Consequently, the JPs conceded 5 goals in this term, despite the Geometers conceding the first 3.  Last round’s winners, the Pys, were again looking solid, bolstered by pocket rocket Sam and a rock solid Damien.

Scores at One Third Time:

All Sartres (JPs): -5

Atletico Geometry (Geometers): -3

Pythagoras 3FC (Pys): -2

Here’s the first third played out at 125 times real speed:

The game is one of equilibrium, as the leading team experiences the feared pincer movement from the opposition.  The ball bounded and rebounded, Damien was felled by a ball to the midriff, Sam lost her hat, and the token kids (Hugo and Jacob) both experienced near misses that had the adults wincing in anticipatory pain, and breathing collective sighs of relief as the ball cleared its human obstacle.  There were no backward steps, plenty of forward thrusts , lots of lateral movement and dizzying hexagonal disorientation.  And the Geometers had hit the front.

Scores at Two Thirds Time:

All Sartres (JPs): -9

Atletico Geometry (Geometers): -7

Pythagoras 3FC (Pys): -8


JPs’ Gavin tucks into the oranges during the break while the Pys’ Sam considers severing his achilles heel

The final third promised to be a ripper.  The Pys were hit hard trying to defend the ‘big goals’ and were soon trailing, the Geometers experienced a rush of attack and all of a sudden the JPs had taken the lead.  The JPs’ Gavin announced that they’d “parked the bus” and indeed he, Dick and the 2 Kims fearlessly withstood a barrage of violently booted bombs and, as a result, didn’t concede a goal in the final third, and ran out winners by a solitary goal.

Final Scores:

All Sartres (JPs): -9

Atletico Geometry (Geometers): -10

Pythagoras 3FC (Pys): -10


Damien (abdomen)
Gavin (foot)
Sam (hat)

Kim S celebrates the All Sartres' win

Kim S celebrates the All Sartres’ win in classic style…


Damien of the Pys gives a fair shake of the sauce bottle

…while Damien of the Pys gives a fair shake of the sauce bottle

Thanks again to Serena for the post-match catering, and the arrival of 3 more kids (Fergus, Daniel and Leonardo) who added much needed zip to an otherwise slowing field.

Serena provides post-match refreshments

Serena provides post-match refreshments to Andrew S and Denbeigh of the Geometers, and Ben of the Pys.

Three-Sided Football Kicks Off in Melbourne


The players were as unprepared for this photos as they were for the intensity of 3-sided football.

A cold, Antarctic wind blew in from the south, rattling the windows and the bones of the 15 players who had earlier committed to play the first ever game of 3-sided football on Australian soil (possibly not true).

It seemed inevitable that the game would be cancelled as the rain pelted down in sheets.  Surely the commitment was tenuous at best.  A few emails, a handful of texts, this wasn’t enough to create a binding contract, surely? And it was 10 o’clock on a Sunday morning. Barnaby Chiverton must be, after all, out of his mind.

But turn up they did. Fifteen people, connected by their mutual acquaintance with Chiverton, arrived at a steady drip, wearing a diverse array of sporting outfits and staring dubiously at the ominous sky and the apparently randomly scattered bags that had been placed on the pitch as goalposts.

The only knowledge they had of 3-sided football was through an earlier exchange of fairly casual emails.  Nevertheless, there was an air of expectation, perhaps a whiff of excitement and, before they knew it, teams had been spontaneously selected based on where the players happened to be standing.  A quick briefing was subsequently trotted out and they were off, without uniform, whistle or referee.

The “All Sartres” got off to a good start, booting the first goal during a rush of confusion, before goals started being scored more regularly as players got the hang of the game, a feel for the ball and a familiarity with their teammates.

Pythagoras centre, Trevor, had begun imposing himself on the game, while All Sartre Kim K was proving a rock in defense.  Meanwhile Marcus’s mad dashes through the centre confused everybody.


Pythagoras’s Trevor and All Sartres’ Gavin race for the ball

All present needed constant reminding that it was goals conceded, not goals scored, that determined the winner.  At one-third time, “Pythagoras 3FC” had taken a narrow lead.

Pythagoras 3FC -3
Athletic Geometry -4
All Sartres -4

photo 5

Players take a breather at one-third time, while Barnaby attempts to reiterate the rules

In the second third the pace quickened, the competitiveness intensified and all allusions to gentlemanly conduct were off the table, if they were ever on it. The scores ebbed and flowed as teams joined forces to score against whichever team was in the lead, and the lead itself changed regularly.


Mat’s hefty clearance from the Pythagoras goals sends players ducking for safety

The Sartres’ Gavin had begun scoring at will, Geometry’s Barnaby had begun to sort out his team’s attack and Mat was proving to be a brick wall in the Pythagoras goals. Meanwhile Andrew F had left the field with a suspect groin.

At the end of the second third, and pleasing to the mathematicians present, scores were level.

Pythagoras 3FC -7
Athletic Geometry -7
All Sartres -7

photo 3

Anthony of “Pythagoras” and Marcus of “Geometry” have different ideas of which team will take the inaugural trophy

The third and final term opened with a surprise double-crossing by the Sartres’ Kim S, outraging the entire Geometry team who threatened immediate revenge.  Kim later conceded he may have “gone too early”.

Anthony and Ben were running out the game well for Pythagoras, Paula was proving a midfield enigma for Geometry while Lawrence held up the back end, and Sartres’ Dick went from hero to villain after lobbing through a long goal just prior to letting through a clever shot from Andrew S.


All Sartres’ Gavin attempts a header

All was confusion right until the final moments when Barnaby called ‘time’ and it appeared Pythagoras 3FC were the first ever winners of the trophy that is yet to be named.

The presence of several youngsters, Eric (Pythagoras), Jonah (Sartres), Hugo (Geometry) and later Fergus, Henry C and Jacob, injected some run and dash into the game.  A very special thanks must go to Serena for oranges, brownies and empanadas, and the All Sartres’ Saddy who sprinted down to the closest servo for ice, midway through the first third.

The final stats had proven a mathematical winner; 3 thirds of 30 minutes resulting in 30 goals scored.

Final Scores:

Pythagoras 3FC -9
Athletic Geometry -11
All Sartres -10


Marcus (knee)
Andrew F (groin)
Everyone Else (general soreness)

photo 2

Pythagoras players Trevor and Mat celebrate the win by groaning in pain